


Saying Fewer Things

by lha



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Character Death, Gen, M/M, Season 3 Finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-13 20:48:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28659738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lha/pseuds/lha
Summary: **SPOILERS** Sort of - AU the end of S3Sylvia tries to help a grieving friend and this time, say fewer things.
Relationships: Hugh Culber/Paul Stamets, Paul Stamets & Adira, Paul Stamets & Sylvia Tilly
Comments: 6
Kudos: 19





	Saying Fewer Things

“I don’t know how to do this.” There was a gaping silence as deep as the void on the other side of the forcefield but Sylvia let it expand, despite her instincts. “And I don’t really know if I want to.” And there it was. She took a deep breath before saying anything, thinking of the advice he had given her what felt like a lifetime ago. Instead, she sat down next to him on the hanger floor and reaching out took hold of his hand.

“You’re frozen,” she said after several minutes, squeezing his fingers. He didn’t respond but seemed to shiver as though she had suddenly reminded him of the fact that he wasn’t really dressed for these environs. 

Sylvia had been reading reports when the call had come from the panicked crewman on duty in the cargo bay. Her first instinct was relief that Scott had thought to call her when Paul had wandered into his domain at oh-two-hundred and in his pajamas. She’d pulled her uniform jacket back on and pretty much run all the way down here. 

“Why is it always him?” Paul asked quietly. “Why am I always left…”

“I don’t know,” she said honestly. “I…” She swallowed, tears sting her eyes.

“He was everything to me Tilly, everything. And so very much better.”

“It’s awful,” she said. “It was awful last time and it’s worse now because you’ve had to do this once already.”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t want to be here but there’s nowhere else for me to go. Everyone I know who’s still alive is on this ship but I don’t know that I can bear to be here.”

“You don’t have to make any decisions tonight,” Sylvia said, standing up awkwardly and reaching back down to help him onto his bare feet. “Have you eaten today?” she asked, looking at him properly and realising that even compared to how he’d looked when they’d made it back to headquarters and been reunited, he was drawn and ill looking.

“I’m just tired,” he said listlessly. 

“Well let’s get you into bed,” she said. “Do you want to come to mine? I have a spare bunk - it turns out that the captain gets their own room.” She realised her mistake as soon as she made it, but she was determined to power through and not be derailed by the shadow of Michael. 

Sylvia steered him back to her quarters, taking his lack of protest as acquiescence but she was worried by his dissociation. She sat him down on the spare bunk and he was just staring into the middle distance almost exactly where she left him.

“Have you slept at all?” 

“Some. Maybe. I can’t really remember.”

“Is there anything I can do?” she asked. “Would you like me to call Adira? Ask them to come round.” She hadn’t expected the reaction this offer elicited. For the first time, at least in her presence, Paul started to openly weep.

“Please don’t,” he almost sobbed, rocking forward over his knees. “Please…”

“Hey,” she said, sitting on the edge of the mattress next to him and wrapping an arm around his shoulders.

“I can’t see them. I can’t… I’ll… I’ll say something unforgivable and I’ll hurt them for something I know isn’t their fault.”

“Adira’s Trill biology…” His hollow laugh stopped Sylvia mid sentence.

“I’m not angry they survived. I… I’m wretched but I’m not…” Paul trailed away. “But I want what they have so much. To be able to have Hugh with me… even if he wasn’t… I just…” He collapsed inward and Sylvia pulled him into her, holding him against her chest. “If I thought there was any chance at all..” he whispered into her shoulder. “I want so badly to take this ship and ram it into the mycelial network just on the… on the off chance that… But I know he’s not there Sylvia but...”

“Paul,” she breathed, turning her head to rest her lips on the crown of his head. “Hugh wouldn’t want you to suffer alone. I can’t… none of us can know what you’re feeling but you’re not alone Paul and however awful this is. However hopeless you feel, you are not in this alone. I’m going to be here, helping keep your head above water until it’s not such a struggle every moment of every day.” 

Sylvia was crying too now; quiet tears of sorrow and frustration and anger. None of this was right, or fair and she wasn’t really sure what she could do to try and help but she meant what she’d said. Whatever it took, she was going to get him through this. He had given her so much, not least of all bringing her onto Discovery and she had loved Hugh too. She owed them both this. 

Eventually, Paul went limp against her; the catharsis seemingly having pushed him beyond endurance and into sleep. Sylvia sat there until she’d lost the feeling in her arm and she was pretty sure he wasn’t going to wake up before, as gently as she could manage she laid them both down. She thought for a moment that the change in orientation was going to wake him but he settled again and as he did Sylvia relaxed into the pillow that somehow still smelled of Michael.

**Author's Note:**

> I enjoyed the end of S3 but I did really want more cost/consequences so... fanfic.  
> Thank you so much for reading, I hope you've enjoyed and as ever - your thoughts feed my plot bunnies!  
> LHA  
> x


End file.
